…the anticipation, the surprises and the clean-up after it’s all over!

• Hot Flashes and Night Sweats
• Vaginal Dryness
• Bladder Control Problems
• Insomnia/Disrupted Sleep
• Palpitations
• Weight Gain (especially around your waist and abdomen)
• Skin Changes (dryness, thinning look)
• Headaches
• Breast Tenderness
• Gastrointestinal Distress and Nausea.
• Tingling or Itchy Skin.
• “Buzzing” in your head, Electric Shock Sensation
• Bloating
• Dizziness/Lightheadedness
• Sore Joints/Muscles
• Hair Loss or Thinning
• Increase in Facial Hair
• Changes in Body Odor
• Dry Mouth and Other Oral Symptoms

Emotional Signs:

• Irritability
• Mood Swings
• Lowered Libido
• Anxiety
• “Brain Fog” — difficulty concentrating, confusion
• Memory Lapses
• Extreme Fatigue/Low Energy Levels
• Confusion/Lack of Concentration
• Feeling Emotionally Detached

I’m feeling a lot of these symptoms today, so let’s let it go at that, ALRIGHT?!

Product of the Day; Menopause Lingerie- I kid you not! While it’s not sexy, they do make a great claim—- “It takes the steam out of your Hot Flashes!”OK, too funny! Oh, and the site is called, “Susan’s Special Needs,’ that is making me laugh too! Damn, I’m feeling better already! http://www.susansspecialneeds.com/hf.html

Well, duh!“New studies now show that in the past 17 years,heavy drinking among middle age or older women has more than tripled. This observation is certainly unsettling, leading more and more doctors to pay special attention to women going through menopause who may be alcohol seeking as a means of escape from the reality in which they live. Making matters worse, not only does alcohol consumption make menopause more challenging, it can destroy the liver and kidney.”

OK…for the past few years I throw up after 4 or 5 drinks at a party or event. I mean puking all the next damn day! My average intake is one maybe two glasses a night, often none. As in no damn…alcohol. So why oh why does my wonderful night on the town end with my head in the toilet. It’s not a pretty site! I’m no teenager!

Thank Gawd I don’t have a grandchild because that would just be ugly—how would I explain it to the sweet little thing? (One of my grandmothers’ used to smell like beer all the time. Kind of like other granny’s smell like cookies, but I digress.)

“Drinking alcohol during menopause can actually produce peri-menopause-like symptoms simply because your hormone levels are altered. In fact, for women who drink heavily, she may ovulate less often, which means fewer menstrual cycles.” That explains a few things about my friend V.

The above is from a pamphlet I picked up in my doctor’s office. It went on to say you can have hot flashes just by drinking a few too many!. Neato!

I’m going to a gala this Friday- a big event where I get to put on a ball gown (flaunting the girls… They only have a little more shelf -life left.) and dance the night away with the husband and I will definitely be having a few glasses of wine. But no puking because I did that LAST week after a dinner with the old high school cheerleaders. (I wasn’t a cheerleader…I was too busy drinking) so I’ll be chugging water and maxing out at three glasses. The gala not at a frat house don’t chew know! A few last words on drinking from the pamphlet. “Instead of drinking, you might join a gym, take daily walks, take up a craft or hobby, and try meditation or prayer.” Oh thanks for the sage advice!

Product of the day:

Joey New York Egg Cream Instant Face Lifting and Contouring Serum

My grandmother…the one who DIDN’T smell like booze, used to put egg whites on her face to tighten the skin. I’ve done that and love what I look like for 20 minutes and often wondered if I could put my make-up on over it and go out. (I think I might have scrambled eggs once the sun hit my face) But then I found this stuff in the mark-down bin at Marshal’s and love, love love it! Not as good as actual egg white, but it does tighten somewhat. It’s actual retail value is $48, but this site sells it cheaper. I’ll be wearing it to the ball…along with a girdle, maybe two and lots of make-up. You can only do your best without going under the knife.

What the hell is going on?

The other night I settled in to bed with a nice juicy chick-flick novel and started to get cold. Then chilled…. then effing freezing! My teeth were chattering and the husband piled blanket after blanket on me. But here’s the deal. I live in California where the temps at night are around 55 degrees- not cold, right? So why was I freezing? After finally running to the bath that the perfect husband had drawn and sitting in it for an hour with the heat blasting, I climbed into bed. A hour later I was soaked from head to toe.

What the f?

I managed to walk- naked now- into the computer room and started to Google, but the only thing that registered was ‘hypothermia’ and ‘malaria,’ two conditions I’m pretty sure I don’t have.

The doc was confused…’hot flash then chills’ and that’s the drill, no deviations from the plan. No mention of it in Saint Suzanne Summers book and none of my friends can help me out.

I always have to be different.

So now I have blood work scheduled…when I get paid…..and we can maybe see what is happening. I have my doubts anything will come of the very expensive tests, but let’s be positive.

On a bright note, I watched George Carlin’s HBO special and realized that the one thing worse then being a post-menopausal woman is…..being a CRANKY OLD MAN!

So I have that going for me!

Product of the day! It’s called ‘The Bedfan.” It’s a hoot. Their tagline is…’We take the heat out of your sleep.” It’s basically a fan that sits at the end of your bed and cools off your hoochie. It’s fantastic! I wish I would have thought of it. I would have called it something else though….something along the lines of….The Swamp Cooler.

Check it out!  http://www.bedfan.com/testimonials.htm

One of my very good friends—- a woman of the world—- cannot say the word ‘underpants.’ It makes her squeamish. This blog is not for her.

Pretty much everything I will write about in this blog has to do with what is going on INSIDE my/your underpants. I will be using medical words such as ovaries, clitoris, vagina, hysterectomy, palpitations and incontinence an many, many more. (OK, I can hardly bring myself to say that last one.)

I’ll be referring to sex and to periods and sleeping and eating and peeing and pooping, so just stop now and go to wwwlandofdenial.com or some other happy site and don’t think about this part of your life. Make your cookies and lemonade and cook your husband his supper and keep everything that’s happening to you hidden from everyone and maybe, just maybe it won’t happen. Yeah sure, and one day we’ll have a woman president.

But, if you care about your health and want to vent and try and figure out what the eff is going on with your body during this time of life, or ‘The Change’ as our mothers called it, this site hopefully will be beneficial.

I’ve been a news reporter for 15 years so I’ll be using my research and interviewing powers to keep up with the latest and greatest in regards to menopause. For the most part, because I want to know what the hell is going on down there! I’ll try and blog as often as I can but occasionally I may be in ‘a mood’ not to write. I think you’ll understand.

Factoid of the day;

Between the year 2005 and 2030 there will be 1 billion women going through menopause . . . all at the same time…(perhaps a cause for global warming?)

Really? Who the hell said that? Some stupid Beverly Hills 50-year-old plastic surgery Barbie? Because I’ve got news for you ladies…50 is 50 is 50 is 50.

You can suger-coat it all you want with Botox and suctions and potions and peels and hormones, but you have to embrace it or it will kick your ass.

I turned 50 in January and thought I was dealing with the number pretty well when the hormones turned on me. After all we’ve been through. Bastards.

I’ve got a lot to talk about on the subject. My friends have a lot to say on it as well. But hang on…it may get ugly!